Burdens Lifted

I read a friend's blog post about anxiety and depression, and I had a memory come back to me that I felt like I needed to record.

About a year ago, when Ethan was still living here and the chaos was in possibly it's worst phase of nastiness, I was having an awful day. I don't remember any specifics, but I remember I'd gone a few days without showering, and I felt completely overwhelmed, Jasmine was teething, and Mom told me she'd take Jasmine for 30 minutes while I showered.

As soon as I got in the shower, I broke down and just bawled. Sadly this was not an uncommon occurrence, but that night for whatever reason was one of the worst. I fell to my knees, overcome mentally and physically by just how much I was dealing with. I'd been avoiding praying for a while; I felt like prayers didn't matter anymore, that they never got answered and I must be being punished for something I'd done wrong. I was in a dark, nasty place that I felt like I was never going to leave.

But, miraculously, I felt the gentle nudge to pray. I hadn't felt any promptings lately, or maybe I'd given up on listening to them, but somehow I felt the tiniest whisper reaching out to me to kneel and pray.

I knelt hesitantly, not really knowing what I was going to ask for. I wanted everything and everyone to just go away, to sink into the floor, to go to sleep and not wake up. I didn't want to die necessarily, but I definitely didn't want to be living the life I was in. I started my prayer simply, and took a lot of pauses, some of them to sob. I didn't know why I was praying or what I was asking for, I was just following the first prompting I could remember in a long time.

Then, I don't remember exactly what I said, but it was something along the lines of, "Please take this all away. Please just let me breathe." And all of the sudden, I could. I felt the weight literally come off of my shoulders, a physical burden being taken off of my body. As I sat under the steaming water, I breathed deeply for the first time in months. I was still sad; that wouldn't leave for a long time. In reality, it still hasn't really left. But I could close my eyes, lay my head against the tub and just breathe, in and out, in and out. I didn't realize until that moment that I had been so physically tense, and then all of the sudden it was gone.

A little while later it came back, and I had to go back to my frightening life and face my terrifying husband and crippling anxiety. I would not have been able to do that, though, if I hadn't had those 5-10 minutes of peace, granted from a simple, honest plea.

I know the Savior took my sorrows and carried them specifically in that moment. He was right there, physically, although I couldn't see him, lifting the burdens from my back and carrying them for me, and then with me. My trial didn't end, my anxiety wasn't instantly healed, my fear wasn't completely dissipated for good; but Jesus Christ gave me the strength to ride through the storm. My Savior suffered for me, and carried me when I could go no further. As it says in Matthew 11:28-30:

"Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."

"Free" Time

1. What are some of the things you enjoy doing in your leisure time?

Lately I  haven't had a ton of free time. I'm nannying for two different families, teaching 7 piano students, working for the high school, taking online classes, going through a nasty divorce, all on top of being the mom of a toddler. I do, however, have a few things I enjoy if I have a minute or two to myself.

- Sudoku. I have always loved doing Sudoku, but recently I've been doing it even more. My 5th grade teacher introduced it to us, and I would attempt the daily newspaper Sudoku. The last month or so I've been trying to do it a little every day, and it's been very calming. My counselor said a while ago that minds that are struggling with anxiety thrive on comparisons and numbers, logical things. Observing things like, "That lamp is taller than the fireplace. There are four red apples and two green ones", and so on. My guess is that Sudoku does that for my brain and gives me a little breather every day.

- Playing instruments. It's been just piano lately, but if I ever have a spare moment and access to a marimba/piano/guitar/organ/etc, chances are I will be playing. I've been playing books I played from in High School the last few months, but I need to branch out and get some new books sometime. Maybe when I have extra money, haha.

- Blogging. Surprise, surprise.

- Reading!!! My goal this New Year's was to read more. I really didn't read anything at all in 2015, so reading anything at all would have been more than I read before. I used to read two or three books a month, maybe more, but being an adult I don't have as much free time as before. But I've read a few really great books this year: a few novels, A Man's Search for Meaning, and a really awesome book about the Salem Witch Trials. I've read a few pages every night before bed, and I take it to the Blake's when I nanny for them Tuesdays and Fridays; when Malcolm and Jasmine sleep, I read! (Or nap with them).

Using the Spirit to be a Mom

Jasmine tonight didn't want to go to bed, and kept asking to lay down. She was so tired though, and if she didn't sleep in her own bed tonight tomorrow would be miserable. I tried putting her down once and she just kept screaming. I've been so tired today, and I really wasn't looking forward to another night of constant back and forth. I went downstairs again, picked Jasmine up and just held her for a minute. I told her to "look at mama", and told her, "Gigi is going to sleep, Papa is going to sleep, Donut is going to sleep, Sadie and Andrew and Cameron are going to sleep... everyone is going to sleep, so Jasmine needs to sleep too". She laid down on my shoulder, and I sang the first verse of Joy to the World (her favorite Christmas song). I was about to put her down, but I felt the Spirit say, "Just a minute more. Hold her just a little longer". Right after deciding to say, Jasmine asked "more please". I sang her the rest of the verses, then gently set her in bed and gave her a blanket. When I leaned down to kiss her cheek, she said, "Thank you, Mommy". I walked away knowing I made her feel loved and safe. I'm so thankful for the Spirit's gentle nudges helping me to be Jasmine's mom.

THINGS ABOUT ME

List 20 or more things about yourself.

1. I have freckles and I love them!

2. My favorite books are Mistborn (Brandon Sanderson), Wuthering Heights (Charlotte Bronte), and Julius Caesar (William Shakespeare).

3. If I'm ever alone I sing at the top of my lungs. Around people, not so much.

4. I've been taking music lessons since I was 5 years old.

5. I have a secret soft spot for McChickens. 

6. I used to think that Yoda lived in the toilet and that he would grab me if I went to the bathroom in the dark.

7. I know I'm stressed if I don't have any dreams. If I am dreaming, that usually means my life is going pretty good.

8. I love cheesecake. And pizza.

9. I used to have a huge crush on Dmitri from the movie Anastasia

10. I've wanted to be a teacher since I was in 2nd grade

11. I really actually hate eating breakfast, but I love breakfast food. Just for dinner.

12. I hate chocolate-peanut butter candies. Yuck.

13. I don't know if you can tell, but I am very passionate about food. 

14. I love getting dressed up and looking really nice, but I hate doing my hair or wearing make up. It's a constant battle.

15. I am the worst dancer you will ever see. There's a reason I play the music and avoid moving to it.
16. My least favorite thing in the whole wide world is clothes shopping. I've had my mom find my clothes for the last ummm..... pretty much 21 years. My whole life.
17. I really love grocery shopping. Don't judge me.
18. Every day at 3:30 PM I get so tired. Which is really, really bad because I teach piano lessons on Mondays and Wednesdays from 3:30-5. There are honestly some lessons that I am struggling to keep my eyes open.
19. My socks rarely, if ever, match. Except for the 2 nice pairs my mom bought me a few months ago.
20. There used to not be a curtain on our sliding glass door downstairs, and I was always afraid someone was going to break in at night while I was going up the stairs and grab me from behind. I ran up the stairs every single night until a few years ago when we finally got curtains. BUT Cameron told me recently he used to do the same thing, so at least we're afraid of the same things!

JOBS

What were some of the jobs you had throughout your life? What were some of the memorable experiences you had with these jobs?

1 - I babysat starting when I was 11, mostly for Marianne Larsen. When I started babysitting for them they had 4 kids, ages 0-4. Now they have 8 kids between 3 and 14 with a baby coming in May. I watched their kids once or twice a week, and for a few other people on weekends too. My most memorable babysitting experience has to be a night I did with Madison Egli. We watched the Larsens (they had 5 at that point) and their cousins- a 2 year old and twin babies. Yikes. There was never a moment where there wasn't a baby crying for 2 hours straight. Luckily we got paid $25 each for 2 hours of babysitting. That night was crazy.

2 - Piano lessons! I started teaching piano when I was 14 years old from my house. I was really hesitant to teach; I didn't think I was qualified to teach beginning students something I was still learning myself. Once I started, however, I learned that I actually really do love to teach! I loved the funny things my students would say, watching them have those "ah-hah!" moments, getting hugs from the little ones, and learning myself. There was one student, Hailey Ostler, that I always knew would keep me on my toes. She was so excited to learn, but had way more energy than I knew what to do with. And she was right after school, so she was always hungry during lessons and would ask for pretzels. I still teach now and it is different now that I'm not as much their peer and more of an older, mom-like figure, but it is still mostly fun and I still learn every time I teach. 
3 - Reffing for the Rec League basketball. This is my least favorite job I've ever had. I thought in the beginning that it would be fun, and a good use of my otherwise open weekends. Little kids running around chasing a basketball is cute, right? Well, the kids might be cute, but their parents are terrifying. Who would have thought that parents have so much invested in teams of 5 year olds? I was so relieved when that basketball season was over, and I will never do that again.
4 - Online Music TA. I got this job my 3rd semester of college for my Sight Singing professor, Sister Duerden. I was the TA for one class, World Music Cultures, and it was all online. When I accepted the job, I had this picture in my head of me doing all my work from my nice comfy bed in my PJ's eating ice cream. Sadly, they actually wanted all the TA's to work from the Online Department office, which worked out once I got pregnant, because it was air conditioned and my apartment was not. But my job was basically just to grade everything, answer emails from confused students, monitor quizzes, and organize the chaos that was the documents folder. Sister D, as wonderful as she is, didn't really put Music 102 as a top priority in her teaching career. She graded midterms and finals and that was pretty much it. By the end of that job I was ready to not be the teacher anymore.
5 - Music Theory Tutor! This was a job I enjoyed a lot more than I thought I would! Brother Kammerrer, my Theory professor, approached me about it when I was in my 4th semester at BYUH, and I was very hesitant to accept. I passed Theory with an A, but I didn't feel like I was necessarily the best there was. But I actually found that the more I helped tutor the students in Music 100-115, I became much more competent myself! Funny how that works. I learned to enjoy talking about leading tones, the best way to double in choral writing, augmented 7th chords... Not to mention that if no one came in for tutoring that day, I got paid for practicing piano or doing my own homework. It was a sweet job!
6 - Chauffeur. For the last year-ish, Marianne Larsen has paid me to drive 4 of her kids to and from clarinet lessons/marimba band/steel drum/choir/math lessons/etc. It's the perfect job for a single mom! I can take Jasmine with me in the car if she's awake, hang out wherever they're going or come home, and when they go to Marimba Band or Steel Drum, I help teach the class with Mr. Hampton. It's great! 
7 - PT Aide at Dad's clinic! In the summers after I graduated high school, I worked Mon/Wed/Fri in the mornings at Columbia Physical Therapy as an aide. I got the best job of all: sticking electro-pads on hairy bums. Hooray! Seriously, I got paid to put sticky pads on lots of bums and chests and shoulders and legs. I also helped patients with their exercises and did cleaning around the clinic. Sometimes if Belen was gone, I filled in as a receptionist. I didn't think I'd enjoy it as much as I did, but I loved working with people and talking to everyone who came through.