Burdens Lifted

I read a friend's blog post about anxiety and depression, and I had a memory come back to me that I felt like I needed to record.

About a year ago, when Ethan was still living here and the chaos was in possibly it's worst phase of nastiness, I was having an awful day. I don't remember any specifics, but I remember I'd gone a few days without showering, and I felt completely overwhelmed, Jasmine was teething, and Mom told me she'd take Jasmine for 30 minutes while I showered.

As soon as I got in the shower, I broke down and just bawled. Sadly this was not an uncommon occurrence, but that night for whatever reason was one of the worst. I fell to my knees, overcome mentally and physically by just how much I was dealing with. I'd been avoiding praying for a while; I felt like prayers didn't matter anymore, that they never got answered and I must be being punished for something I'd done wrong. I was in a dark, nasty place that I felt like I was never going to leave.

But, miraculously, I felt the gentle nudge to pray. I hadn't felt any promptings lately, or maybe I'd given up on listening to them, but somehow I felt the tiniest whisper reaching out to me to kneel and pray.

I knelt hesitantly, not really knowing what I was going to ask for. I wanted everything and everyone to just go away, to sink into the floor, to go to sleep and not wake up. I didn't want to die necessarily, but I definitely didn't want to be living the life I was in. I started my prayer simply, and took a lot of pauses, some of them to sob. I didn't know why I was praying or what I was asking for, I was just following the first prompting I could remember in a long time.

Then, I don't remember exactly what I said, but it was something along the lines of, "Please take this all away. Please just let me breathe." And all of the sudden, I could. I felt the weight literally come off of my shoulders, a physical burden being taken off of my body. As I sat under the steaming water, I breathed deeply for the first time in months. I was still sad; that wouldn't leave for a long time. In reality, it still hasn't really left. But I could close my eyes, lay my head against the tub and just breathe, in and out, in and out. I didn't realize until that moment that I had been so physically tense, and then all of the sudden it was gone.

A little while later it came back, and I had to go back to my frightening life and face my terrifying husband and crippling anxiety. I would not have been able to do that, though, if I hadn't had those 5-10 minutes of peace, granted from a simple, honest plea.

I know the Savior took my sorrows and carried them specifically in that moment. He was right there, physically, although I couldn't see him, lifting the burdens from my back and carrying them for me, and then with me. My trial didn't end, my anxiety wasn't instantly healed, my fear wasn't completely dissipated for good; but Jesus Christ gave me the strength to ride through the storm. My Savior suffered for me, and carried me when I could go no further. As it says in Matthew 11:28-30:

"Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."

"Free" Time

1. What are some of the things you enjoy doing in your leisure time?

Lately I  haven't had a ton of free time. I'm nannying for two different families, teaching 7 piano students, working for the high school, taking online classes, going through a nasty divorce, all on top of being the mom of a toddler. I do, however, have a few things I enjoy if I have a minute or two to myself.

- Sudoku. I have always loved doing Sudoku, but recently I've been doing it even more. My 5th grade teacher introduced it to us, and I would attempt the daily newspaper Sudoku. The last month or so I've been trying to do it a little every day, and it's been very calming. My counselor said a while ago that minds that are struggling with anxiety thrive on comparisons and numbers, logical things. Observing things like, "That lamp is taller than the fireplace. There are four red apples and two green ones", and so on. My guess is that Sudoku does that for my brain and gives me a little breather every day.

- Playing instruments. It's been just piano lately, but if I ever have a spare moment and access to a marimba/piano/guitar/organ/etc, chances are I will be playing. I've been playing books I played from in High School the last few months, but I need to branch out and get some new books sometime. Maybe when I have extra money, haha.

- Blogging. Surprise, surprise.

- Reading!!! My goal this New Year's was to read more. I really didn't read anything at all in 2015, so reading anything at all would have been more than I read before. I used to read two or three books a month, maybe more, but being an adult I don't have as much free time as before. But I've read a few really great books this year: a few novels, A Man's Search for Meaning, and a really awesome book about the Salem Witch Trials. I've read a few pages every night before bed, and I take it to the Blake's when I nanny for them Tuesdays and Fridays; when Malcolm and Jasmine sleep, I read! (Or nap with them).

Using the Spirit to be a Mom

Jasmine tonight didn't want to go to bed, and kept asking to lay down. She was so tired though, and if she didn't sleep in her own bed tonight tomorrow would be miserable. I tried putting her down once and she just kept screaming. I've been so tired today, and I really wasn't looking forward to another night of constant back and forth. I went downstairs again, picked Jasmine up and just held her for a minute. I told her to "look at mama", and told her, "Gigi is going to sleep, Papa is going to sleep, Donut is going to sleep, Sadie and Andrew and Cameron are going to sleep... everyone is going to sleep, so Jasmine needs to sleep too". She laid down on my shoulder, and I sang the first verse of Joy to the World (her favorite Christmas song). I was about to put her down, but I felt the Spirit say, "Just a minute more. Hold her just a little longer". Right after deciding to say, Jasmine asked "more please". I sang her the rest of the verses, then gently set her in bed and gave her a blanket. When I leaned down to kiss her cheek, she said, "Thank you, Mommy". I walked away knowing I made her feel loved and safe. I'm so thankful for the Spirit's gentle nudges helping me to be Jasmine's mom.

THINGS ABOUT ME

List 20 or more things about yourself.

1. I have freckles and I love them!

2. My favorite books are Mistborn (Brandon Sanderson), Wuthering Heights (Charlotte Bronte), and Julius Caesar (William Shakespeare).

3. If I'm ever alone I sing at the top of my lungs. Around people, not so much.

4. I've been taking music lessons since I was 5 years old.

5. I have a secret soft spot for McChickens. 

6. I used to think that Yoda lived in the toilet and that he would grab me if I went to the bathroom in the dark.

7. I know I'm stressed if I don't have any dreams. If I am dreaming, that usually means my life is going pretty good.

8. I love cheesecake. And pizza.

9. I used to have a huge crush on Dmitri from the movie Anastasia

10. I've wanted to be a teacher since I was in 2nd grade

11. I really actually hate eating breakfast, but I love breakfast food. Just for dinner.

12. I hate chocolate-peanut butter candies. Yuck.

13. I don't know if you can tell, but I am very passionate about food. 

14. I love getting dressed up and looking really nice, but I hate doing my hair or wearing make up. It's a constant battle.

15. I am the worst dancer you will ever see. There's a reason I play the music and avoid moving to it.
16. My least favorite thing in the whole wide world is clothes shopping. I've had my mom find my clothes for the last ummm..... pretty much 21 years. My whole life.
17. I really love grocery shopping. Don't judge me.
18. Every day at 3:30 PM I get so tired. Which is really, really bad because I teach piano lessons on Mondays and Wednesdays from 3:30-5. There are honestly some lessons that I am struggling to keep my eyes open.
19. My socks rarely, if ever, match. Except for the 2 nice pairs my mom bought me a few months ago.
20. There used to not be a curtain on our sliding glass door downstairs, and I was always afraid someone was going to break in at night while I was going up the stairs and grab me from behind. I ran up the stairs every single night until a few years ago when we finally got curtains. BUT Cameron told me recently he used to do the same thing, so at least we're afraid of the same things!

JOBS

What were some of the jobs you had throughout your life? What were some of the memorable experiences you had with these jobs?

1 - I babysat starting when I was 11, mostly for Marianne Larsen. When I started babysitting for them they had 4 kids, ages 0-4. Now they have 8 kids between 3 and 14 with a baby coming in May. I watched their kids once or twice a week, and for a few other people on weekends too. My most memorable babysitting experience has to be a night I did with Madison Egli. We watched the Larsens (they had 5 at that point) and their cousins- a 2 year old and twin babies. Yikes. There was never a moment where there wasn't a baby crying for 2 hours straight. Luckily we got paid $25 each for 2 hours of babysitting. That night was crazy.

2 - Piano lessons! I started teaching piano when I was 14 years old from my house. I was really hesitant to teach; I didn't think I was qualified to teach beginning students something I was still learning myself. Once I started, however, I learned that I actually really do love to teach! I loved the funny things my students would say, watching them have those "ah-hah!" moments, getting hugs from the little ones, and learning myself. There was one student, Hailey Ostler, that I always knew would keep me on my toes. She was so excited to learn, but had way more energy than I knew what to do with. And she was right after school, so she was always hungry during lessons and would ask for pretzels. I still teach now and it is different now that I'm not as much their peer and more of an older, mom-like figure, but it is still mostly fun and I still learn every time I teach. 
3 - Reffing for the Rec League basketball. This is my least favorite job I've ever had. I thought in the beginning that it would be fun, and a good use of my otherwise open weekends. Little kids running around chasing a basketball is cute, right? Well, the kids might be cute, but their parents are terrifying. Who would have thought that parents have so much invested in teams of 5 year olds? I was so relieved when that basketball season was over, and I will never do that again.
4 - Online Music TA. I got this job my 3rd semester of college for my Sight Singing professor, Sister Duerden. I was the TA for one class, World Music Cultures, and it was all online. When I accepted the job, I had this picture in my head of me doing all my work from my nice comfy bed in my PJ's eating ice cream. Sadly, they actually wanted all the TA's to work from the Online Department office, which worked out once I got pregnant, because it was air conditioned and my apartment was not. But my job was basically just to grade everything, answer emails from confused students, monitor quizzes, and organize the chaos that was the documents folder. Sister D, as wonderful as she is, didn't really put Music 102 as a top priority in her teaching career. She graded midterms and finals and that was pretty much it. By the end of that job I was ready to not be the teacher anymore.
5 - Music Theory Tutor! This was a job I enjoyed a lot more than I thought I would! Brother Kammerrer, my Theory professor, approached me about it when I was in my 4th semester at BYUH, and I was very hesitant to accept. I passed Theory with an A, but I didn't feel like I was necessarily the best there was. But I actually found that the more I helped tutor the students in Music 100-115, I became much more competent myself! Funny how that works. I learned to enjoy talking about leading tones, the best way to double in choral writing, augmented 7th chords... Not to mention that if no one came in for tutoring that day, I got paid for practicing piano or doing my own homework. It was a sweet job!
6 - Chauffeur. For the last year-ish, Marianne Larsen has paid me to drive 4 of her kids to and from clarinet lessons/marimba band/steel drum/choir/math lessons/etc. It's the perfect job for a single mom! I can take Jasmine with me in the car if she's awake, hang out wherever they're going or come home, and when they go to Marimba Band or Steel Drum, I help teach the class with Mr. Hampton. It's great! 
7 - PT Aide at Dad's clinic! In the summers after I graduated high school, I worked Mon/Wed/Fri in the mornings at Columbia Physical Therapy as an aide. I got the best job of all: sticking electro-pads on hairy bums. Hooray! Seriously, I got paid to put sticky pads on lots of bums and chests and shoulders and legs. I also helped patients with their exercises and did cleaning around the clinic. Sometimes if Belen was gone, I filled in as a receptionist. I didn't think I'd enjoy it as much as I did, but I loved working with people and talking to everyone who came through. 

Values

What are some of the personal values that are very important to you? What have you done (and what are you doing now) to teach these values to your children?

I feel like I've done a lot of lists, but they just work so well with these questions. So here goes.

1. I value a sense of humor, and not just when life is easy. 2nd Nephi 2:25 very clearly states, "Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy." If you can't laugh, even when life is hard, that's just sad. No one wants to be sad all the time! I'm trying to teach Jasmine now that when someone is sad, the best thing to do is make them smile. I am also trying, in my own time of extreme trial, to keep smiling. I stopped smiling for a while, and it was a bummer. Now I feel like I'm back to my old self a little bit and laughing every day, and it makes life so much better!

2. I value hard work! I'm not going to lie, I don't love yard work or cleaning the house or doing the bills. It's not fun. But I also know that life isn't meant to just be fun all the time. If we never work, we never learn or grow or earn money to pay the bills. Without work we are static, no change, and that is literally the definition of "damned". For personal growth we have to work! Right now I'm teaching Jasmine to help me clean up, and let me tell you, there are plenty of her messes to clean up every day. I've taught her the clean-up song, which she sings a lot. It sounds like this, "Nean. Up. Nean. Up. Nean. Up." We'll work on the "cl" sound soon. Maybe. Jasmine also "helps" with the dishes, sweeping, feeding the dog, folding laundry, scrubbing the toilet, stirring cookie dough... she's my best little helper!

3. I value my testimony of the Gospel. My whole life, I have known that living by the standards of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints has brought me happiness. I have awesome parents who taught me to pay my tithing, go to church every Sunday, dress modestly, read my scriptures, etc. There have been a few times that I wasn't quite sure in my testimony, and I relied on my mom or dad's, but I always knew that there was more to this life than what I could see or learn in school. Since going through the temple for the first time, receiving my patriarchal blessing, and especially since having Jasmine, my testimony has grown exponentially. There have been a lot of trials the last few years, enough to make me wonder what's really true. Something inside me though always knew that I needed to keep going to church, I needed to keep reading the scriptures, I needed the temple and the peace of the Spirit at least with me, if not within my home. And even though now sometimes it is so hard to be at church as a single mother, I know it's where I need to be every single week. I only hope I can teach Jasmine as well as my parents have taught me!

Health And Sickness

What kind of health challenges have you experienced?

I could have sworn I answered this question earlier, but I actually have something different I wanted to add today. As I believe I said earlier, growing up I never really had any health challenges. I never had the chicken pox, broke a bone, I didn't even really get sick all that often. There were a lot of years in school I got the "perfect attendance" award. My senior year I had a weird stomach thing, but I'm 99% sure that was simply stress playing it's part. 

However, the health challenge I want to write about today is one that most people wouldn't categorize as health, but it really truly is. From the beginning of 2015 until even now, September 2016, I have struggled with anxiety and depression. There's a lot that's happened in my life the last few years I haven't blogged about, but that will have to wait for a different blog post. For now, I will sum up. Ethan, the man I married in August of 2014, was a verbal, physical, and emotional abuser. I didn't realize it until after Jasmine was born and he physically abused her, but from the beginning of our relationship until the very, very end, he controlled and manipulated me, maybe intentional maybe not, but the effect was the same. 

While we lived in Hawaii, I always felt scattered, but I felt like that was my fault. I convinced myself I just needed to clean more or pray more or go to the temple or get more organized with my schoolwork, but I was still struggling and didn't understand why. I had always excelled in everything before, so failing classes and skipping work and rehearsals wasn't like me. Once Jasmine was born, I luckily had enough sense to know I needed to stay home with her full time and focus on being a mom. 

There were days at home with Jasmine that I literally would not leave the apartment all day long. As much as I hated it, I couldn't bring myself to go out among happy people when my life felt so chaotic and wrong. How do you explain to someone how disheveled you feel when you don't know the reason why? 


Eventually things got so bad financially and otherwise that Ethan and I decided we needed to leave Hawaii. If I had been in a normal frame of mind, I would have been devastated; but things being as they were, I couldn't wait to leave and go home to my mom. I could not wait to see my family again and be in a home I felt absolutely safe. Ethan wasn't as thrilled to live with my parents, but luckily there was no where for us to be at his parents house, especially not with a baby, so we moved to Kennewick. A lot of what happened between then and around February I honestly don't remember, but my mom told me a few weeks ago that I slept for about 3 days while she took care of Jasmine the first week we were back. I was exhausted from just trying to stay alive and take care of a baby by myself, and I just collapsed. 

After a few weeks of my parents observing interactions between Ethan and I, his lack of interest or interaction with Jasmine, and my general despair and helplessness, my Dad (the bishop of our ward) brought me in for a one-on-one chat with him. I told him a little bit of what had been going on, and he asked if I wanted to see a counselor. I was so relieved that I would be able to finally talk to someone about how I really felt; I never could tell Ethan because I was afraid it would be too much for him. He hated when I would cry, didn't like being accused of doing anything wrong, and just treated me like a child in general. Talking to him was not helpful. I finally had some hope that a counselor would be.

I started seeing Scott Wangsgaard in I believe December of 2015. My first 3 or 4 sessions I cried the entire time. Cried talking about Ethan, about Jasmine, about my loss of college experiences, my up and down relationship with my parents, finances... everything was a mess and I didn't even know where to start. But, much like the tidying up book that Mom loves, the best way to clear out the clutter starts by throwing everything you have on the floor. It was here that I started recognizing that it wasn't just Ethan that had mental health problems. My counselor, and eventually my mom too when I started talking to her more, both recognized that I was struggling with anxiety and depression. My counselor said it was likely a combination of post-partum depression and also trauma-induced anxiety and depression. And as funny as it sounds to say it, I was relieved to finally understand a tiny piece of what was going on in my life. No wonder I felt so crappy!

After one of our sessions, I believe a week or so before Christmas, Ethan and I went to his parents for a few weeks. Things there were always crazy. I would never say it out loud, but I hated visiting Bothell. It was seriously the worst. But again, that's a story for a different day. About halfway through the week of visiting his family, I was having an awful day. Everything seemed like it was going completely wrong. At the beginning of the day, Ethan took me to a gun shop by his parent's house. I thought we were going just to browse so that Ethan could get in his gun fix for the month, maybe get an idea of prices and whatnot; then, he said something like, "I think I'll buy this one." At the time we were over $8,000 in debt and not working a lot, and spending $150 on a gun we didn't need stressed me out so bad. Luckily Ethan noticed I was unsure, and listened to me when I told him I didn't think it was the right time to buy a gun - but he was mad.


He was silent the whole drive home, the kind of quiet that always scared me because I knew it came before either an angry outburst or something drastic that would be a way to "punish" me. I was right; when we got back to his parents house, he was still silent, even when I tried to ask questions, and I went to get Jasmine from his mom then followed him into the bedroom. I took care of Jasmine while I sat on the bed, waiting for him to talk to me. He ignored me and played on his phone. All of the sudden, he took out his credit card and started cutting it into tiny pieces. On the inside I was rejoicing, I had wanted to do the same thing for months, but I also felt a pit in my stomach because I knew it meant he was angry. I don't remember what he said to me, but he pretty much just played the victim and said things like, "I got this money for my birthday, I should be able to do whatever I want with it" or "Every once and a while it would be nice to spend money on something that isn't diapers". Like I didn't want to buy nice things for myself either? I just wanted to shake him and say, "Do you think I like spending $65 a month on diapers? Don't you think I'd like something nice for myself too? This is what you do when you have kids, you sacrifice things you want for things they need." But of course I couldn't say any of this.

After the initial episode of the silent treatment and playing the victim, Ethan asked to be alone, so I went downstairs and took Jasmine with me. I got out some of her books and let her wiggle around on the floor of the conference room in their basement. At first I was fine, but gradually this sense of dread grew out of my stomach and consumed my whole being. I starting bawling uncontrollably and holding myself, trying not to completely lose it in front of my 7 month old baby, who I could tell was very concerned about me crying. It felt like my brain was closing in on me and I was going to implode right there. I wanted to run and collapse all at the same time. This lasted for a few minutes, and then I finally felt like I could breathe again. After it was all over, I realized that wasn't the first time I'd felt that way. There were a few days I could recall feeling that exact same, and knowing that for some reason I couldn't talk to Ethan about it. 

Once I talked to Dr. Wangsgaard, he told me that these were anxiety attacks, and that he was glad I told him about them. He gave me some advice about what to do if I felt them coming on, and that the best thing to do would be having someone with me. 

There is a lot of other stuff that happened and that I've had to handle as a result of the abuse and our inevitable divorce and custody battle. I am sure I will have little pieces of anxiety and/or depression for some time. I have grown a new sense of respect and love for those who develop these mental illnesses for seemingly no reason; I'm able to say "I feel this way because of this", and it makes it a little bit easier to battle. But I will say this: no matter the reason, the intensity, who you are, where you live, how young or old you are- the Savior is there always. Even when he doesn't make it go away, he is there holding you up and leading you on. I have felt him so close, especially recently as I have made a larger effort to grow closer to him. My trials haven't left me. I still struggle through a lot of days and cry a lot of tears. The difference is I have hope, because I feel him there fighting my battles with me. And when the one fighting your battle is the one who overcame all, it is so much easier to trust that good will triumph over all. 

When it rains, it pours

So I know I haven't completed my big post about all this fun stuff yet, but I'm so overwhelmed tonight that I just need to record it all. After successfully getting a restraining order against Ethan, he was granted supervised visits at least 3 times between now and November 15th. I wasn't expecting visits to be granted so soon and I'm a little taken aback by how much it's affecting me mentally and emotionally. All week I've been fighting to live my normal life that I've been working so hard to find, but every single day was a battle. Even today, the day I've felt most myself, I've been mentally exhausted, no appetite, and just distracted.
I'm so afraid of what this all could mean for Jasmine. I don't want her to go somewhere I know she'll be afraid. She doesn't understand what's going on, she doesn't understand when or why I have to leave her, or if I'll be back. The last time Ethan was around her, she cried every time he touched her and would run away, and if he touched me at all she would try to tell him No! This was 3 months ago, so I have no idea what will happen now. I haven't been using a binky for her at all, and I'm tempted not to send one with her tomorrow, but on the other hand I don't want her to be completely without any comfort at all. I don't want her to be hurt in any way.
On the other hand, I'm really nervous that Ethan will act completely perfect and dandy, make it look like he's the perfect dad, and that from there they'll grant him more visitstion, and not supervised. I have no doubt that Ethan has not fully come to terms with the terrible things he's done, that he minimizes and justifies any abuse he will admit to, and that he will slip back into the same ugly pattern once he's not being watched.  I know I need to trust that the supervisors know what they're looking for, but I don't trust that Ethan will let them see that.
I honestly feel like this has been the worst week of my life. I'm fully coming to see just how shattered my life is, how different everything is from the life I had imagined for myself and for Jasmine, and I hate it. I'm going to counseling to try and find a better perspective and guidance. I'm praying as much as I can force myself to pray. I'm paying my tithing, I'm magnifying my calling, I'm trying to serve my friends. I know there is a good future, but sometimes I feel like I won't get to see that future until the Second Coming. If men are that they might have joy, where is my joy?

My Career

What did you do for a career? Why did you choose that career?

Ever since I was about 6 years old I wanted to be a teacher. My 2nd grade teacher let me help some of the kids in my class who were struggling, and I loved it! I loved watching someone go from not understanding to having that, "ah-hah!" moment, and the excitement on their face when they did. 
After that I changed pretty much every year what kind of teacher I wanted to be, anywhere from 2nd grade teacher to high school English, but I always maintained that I wanted to teach.  Then, my senior year of high school, I had to do a "culminating project", where I spent 50 hours doing something outside of school work and then presented it to a board of teachers and students. I used Marching Band and marimba as my project since I was already going to be there, and to be honest I didn't focus a whole lot on it since I was there anyways. The night came that I had to give my presentation, and I was pretty nervous. I wasn't sure how to sell to the audience how awesome my project was when it was so every-day for me. But the more I talked about percussion, the more I realized how much I truly loved it! I wrote this facebook post afterwards:
"So today I was giving my culminating project presentation, and for the first time, it hit me how much I really love percussion. I love that it's crazy, that it's so changeable and always evolving, I love the sounds and the people and the beauty that is percussion. In the book Start Something That Matters by Blake Mycoskie (founder of Toms), he asks the question "What would you like to do with your free time?" Ok, maybe that's not an exact quote, but it made me think. And honestly, I love the marimba more than pretty much anything else I do. It inspires me to play and excel and share, this post is just proof of that. And if you've stuck it out and read for this long, I hope you realize that percussion is amazing. It's beautiful and insane and everything I want from life. Thank you to everyone who has taught and inspired me, especially Mr. Hampton for introducing me into this crazy world. You've changed my whole life, and I'm so grateful. Also thank you to Mrs. Shuster, you've taught me so much. I could go on, but for the sake of you I won't. Marimba is awesome. Percussion is awesome. Music changes the world. Find what you love and share it!" 

A few people commented these: 
Mr. Hampton - "That's so cool, Lindsey. Who would have ever known that the silent little strawberry blonde girl who looked at me like I was nuts would turn out to be...what you are now. It would be fun to take credit for your success, but music and love of it comes from you and the gifts you've been given. I just happened to be there when it all began, which is really cool, too."

Tori Roberts - "Lindsey! So honored i could be a part of your percussioning last year (baha nagoya) and this year! You are seriously so talented and I'm pumped for some afta stuba. Not to mention you're a great and passionate leader. Congrats on finishin that project!! "

Mom - "You are an amazing percussionist! It is so rewarding as a parent to see your child find something that they are passionate about and to see how it changes their life for the better. The cool thing is, this is only the beginning. You did great on your presentation."

Jay Colgan - "Beyond being an amazing musician, you are an even better person."

Ever since that night, I've known I wanted to teach percussion as a career. I went to BYUH and majored in Percussion Performance (they didn't have a music ed degree), and this year I got two awesome positions I never dreamed I'd get. This summer I started working as Kamiakin's Front Ensemble instructor for the Marching Band, and I'll be staying for the concert season too! Then last week, I got a volunteer job working with Mr. Hampton teaching his new steel drum class. It is a blast! I'm only just getting started in my career, but it is already so rewarding.

September 11th

What were some of the major community, national, and world events you lived through? How did these events change your life?

Maybe it's just that time of year again, but the event that immediately came to mind when I read this question was the terrorist attack of 9/11. I actually remember quite a bit about that day, but what still comes to mind all the time is what has happened since and the feeling I get every year when I remember.

September 11th, 2001, I was 6 years old and in 1st grade. We were living at my Grandma and Grandpa Smith's house while Dad was looking for a job after PT school. I woke up to go to school, and I remember everyone was watching the TV. I don't think I really comprehended much of what was going on, but I remember seeing the towers on the screen burning and thinking that something was very wrong. School that day was very solemn; I'm sure my teacher said something to us, but like I said before, I just remember feelings.

Every year in school we would talk about what happened. Looking back, I think the teachers realized how important of an event that was and were trying to process it themselves as well as help us understand - it changed our outlook on terrorism, made some people paranoid, changed our airports and national security... it really changed everything. 

The year I remember most was 7th grade. We had talked about it a lot in class, and we watched a little documentary. I spent the whole day feeling so sad. Mom checked out a video from the library, I think it was a compilation of news reports from that day, and then some interviews with witnesses and families who had lost loved ones. There was a girl in that video, my exact age, who told the interviewer she still slept with her dad's shirt; she told him how sad she was that he would never see her graduate or get married or play sports or have kids. That night when I went to bed, I just cried and cried for that poor girl and the hundreds of other kids just like her. I prayed and just asked, how in the world is it fair for her to lose her Dad? Why would this happen to someone so innocent and young?

A few years later, I believe my junior or senior year of high school, they built a 9/11 monument at the Southridge Complex by Highway 395. We went to the ceremony, and I cried again. Tears of sadness, yes, but also mixed with tears of hope. That day, I felt a peace from Heavenly Father reminding me that this was not the end for those people, that while it was a terrifying and horrible end, hope was not lost. God has a plan for those people, for the families they left behind, even for the men who were evil enough to kill the thousands of people that died when the towers came down. Through the atonement and Resurrection of Christ, we will all be resurrected and brought before God. One of my favorite quotes from Elder Wirthlin applies: "While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude."

Parenthood

What advice would you pass on about raising children that you learned by raising your own children?

I have been a mom for a very short period of time, so I'm definitely not the authority on the subject. However, here are a few words of wisdom from what I do know:

1. Don't wear white. Every single time I wear a white shirt/dress/skirt/whatever, Jasmine bleeds, smears chocolate or mud, or spills something red. Every time. I still wear white because I am stubborn, but they pretty much all have stains half-scrubbed out somewhere. My sleeve right now has a little red spot I pretend not to notice.

2. Read all the books!  Or even the same book over and over again, which is more likely. Jasmine is only 15 months old, but I already see her read to herself and she brings me books all the time. My love of reading was passed down to me from my mom, and I hope to pass the same to her.

3. Pray with your babies. For the first little while, I didn't really pray with Jasmine or read her scriptures a ton because I thought, She doesn't really know what's going on, we'll start doing that later. When she was about 7 months old I started praying with her every night, and we've been doing family scripture study every night for a little less than a year. A few weeks ago, completely unprompted, Jasmine folded her arms during the prayer before dinner. Now she bows her head and will even get the scriptures out when she's tired. I'm so glad we started praying and reading scriptures with her!

4. Don't feel bad about your bad days. Even just typing that I know every parent will feel bad about their bad days, even when someone tells them not to. I had a day a week or two ago that I felt like I just stunk as a parent. I didn't read to Jasmine like I wanted to, I didn't pay enough attention when she was trying to babble to me, I was too busy with myself all day. But guess what? The next day I did awesome and Jasmine and I had a great day! In the grand scheme of things, I've done more things right as a mom than wrong. 

5. Let people give you advice, then go do whatever the heck you want. I actually had someone say this to me when Jasmine was born, and it has been one of the most solid pieces of advice I have ever received. It doesn't hurt me or them at all to listen politely to advice given from the heart, but in the end, you are the parent; make your own decisions. You know best.

6. Soak in every last moment. Everyone says this, but it's true. I miss little teeny-tiny Jasmine more than I thought I would, but now I get to enjoy every moment of toddler Jasmine while I still can! Because I'm sure before I know it she's going to be 5 and going off to school, 8 and getting baptized, 12 going into Young Women's, 14 going to High School, then BAM 18 and off at college. I'm getting teary-eyed just thinking about it :( Every moment is precious.

A Better World

List 20 things that you think the world would be so much better off without.

1. Mosquitoes
2. Any kind of Ultimate Fighting
3. Swearing
4. Nuclear Bombs
5. Temperatures over 85 degrees
6. Booty Shorts
7. Temperatures under 20 degrees
8. Acne
9. Most Rap
10. Pornography
11. Bad grammar 
12. ISIS
13. Donald Trump
14. Round-a-bouts
15. The Kardashians 
16. Sunburns
17. T-Shirts that shrink
18. Hilary Clinton
19. Wind
20. SIDS :(

Jasmine Chanel Mulberg

How many children do you have? What are their names? Share a few memories about each one.

Right now I have one child, a little girl named Jasmine. I talked about her name earlier (Jasmine Chanel), she was born May 29th, 2015 at 5:52 PM in Kailua, Hawaii. Jasmine has been a happy baby ever since the day she was born, and smiles all the time. She loves to talk to people, play with the dog, read books, swim in the river, jump on the trampoline, eat... If Jasmine has taught me anything, it's to just love life! She gets so excited about little things like eating raspberries or seeing another baby, things I don't think twice about. 

One of my favorite memories of Jasmine is taking her to the library in Hawaii. When she was just two or three months old, I wanted to start reading to her, so we went down to the teeny-tiny library of Kahuku and checked out a giant stack of picture books. When we got home, I sat her down in the rocking chair we'd bought from the neighbors and read for probably 20-30 minutes straight. I was  amazed that Jasmine sat for so long and just listened. The next day we read again for just as long, and again the next day and the next. I loved holding her close and reading her stories. Eventually she got older and started squirming part way into a book, but now she's starting again to sit for a long time. Right now some of her favorite books are: Cowboy Camp, Hop on Pop, Little Blue Truck, and 1,2,3 in the Sea. 

Another one of my favorite memories is when Jasmine first rolled over. I'd been watching and waiting for a long time, making sure Jasmine was up to date with all of her milestones, and every time I thought she'd roll over she wouldn't. Like every first-time parent, I really hoped she was okay and normal and that she'd figure it out. Low and behold, one day in our living room she rolled right off of the blanket I'd put her on. I was so excited! I texted pretty much everyone I thought would listen, my mom and dad, Ethan, my grandma, friends from home.... I was the proudest mama in the whole world! I told everyone I saw that day.

I have so many great memories with Jasmine that it's hard to choose just a few. She has such a vibrant and loving spirit. One time in the mother's room, there was a baby in the chair next to us that was fussing and sad. Jasmine somehow got her attention and talked to her until she smiled. I was overwhelmed with love for my little girl and was so proud of how compassionate she was already. That day was a glimpse into the future of my darling girl's personality and heart. 

A Different Kind of Post

I know I'm already behind on the questions for the year, but I wanted to record some things before I forgot them.

I've been living a really stressful life for about the past year and a half, one with a lot of personal and family trials. There have been countless times that I've wanted to just fall down and give up, but somehow, miraculously, I'm still alive. I'm growing now and my mind is in a much healthier place, but the situation I'm in hasn't changed much and it's wearing me down. I know with all of my heart that the church is true, but sometimes it's really hard to see how Heavenly Father is ever going to fix what's so broken. I've been struggling with questions that don't really have answers, and about two weeks ago my spiritual level took a big dip.
Then, on Monday, Maddy Cicotte asked if I would go to the temple with her. I hadn't been in a really long time, and when I had my interview with Dad/Bishop, one of the things that stuck with me is when he said the goal with temple attendance is to just keep improving. If I'm trying and going as often as is possible for me, that's the goal. So I told Maddy I would love to go with her, and I prayed in my heart all week that I would find an answer in the temple.
I felt a little bad during the session; most of the time I'm really good at paying attention to the words and promises that are so important, but this time I was just distracted. I pondered on and on about my life, my questions, the trials that seem so endless... a conference talk came to my head, and I don't remember the exact quote, but it's along the lines of: "Every injustice we face here on this earth with be righted in Heaven". A part of me got a little mad and said, "I don't want it righted in Heaven, I want it righted now!" That's when I felt an impression, a thought in my head that I know wasn't just my own: "Heavenly Father is working right now, righting the wrongs that you are facing. You can't see it, and you have to be patient, but there are things in store for you bigger than you know that He is so excited to give you. The things that are happening now aren't pleasant, but He is leading you to a better tomorrow." I didn't realize right when I had that impression that I'd just receive revelation, but later in the Celestial room as I pondered more on it and read my patriarchal blessing, I was overcome with a sense of such great warmth and peace.
I may not have received any answers to my questions, and I know I still have a lot of days and weeks and months of hard times ahead before life gets any easier, but I came home feeling buoyed up in the Spirit and strengthened more than I ever have been before! I know God loves me personally!

The second experience I wanted to record happened this morning. I woke up completely exhausted, having had Jasmine in my bed for most of the night. The first thought of my morning was, "I kind of don't want to be a mom today." But since I'm a mom whether or not I feel like it right at that moment, I got out of bed and started making breakfast for Jasmine.  Partway through breakfast I remembered that I was supposed to go Visiting Teaching at noon, so I quickly read over the message and tried to think about what to share. My thoughts were scattered though, and so I just said a prayer quickly before I left that I could think of something to say that would be meaningful.
When it came time to give the lesson, I still couldn't think of anything specifically, so I just opened the Ensign and started reading the first quote, which says this:

“In light of the ultimate purpose of the great plan of happiness, I believe that the ultimate treasures on earth and in heaven are our children and our posterity.”

As soon as I read those words, I was overwhelmed with the Spirit and love for Jasmine. Words started coming out of my mouth that I weren't all mine, and I was amazed at the message I was able to share. Something I remember saying but that I know was a message for me from Heavenly Father was, "If our children are our ultimate treasure and happiness, they are worth every single sacrifice and struggle." I know without a doubt that Jasmine is the greatest blessing I've ever been given, and I love her to pieces! I'm so grateful for personal revelation that is strengthening me so much this week and giving me courage to push forward.

FOOD

What foods do you like? What foods do you dislike? Did you have any food or medical allergies? Were there two or three dishes your mother or father made that were especially memorable?

I'm pretty excited to answer these questions. Food is one of my very favorite topics, just check my Pinterest boards. Lots of food pins. 

I honestly like just about any food; Asian, BBQ, salads, pasta - you name it, I will most likely eat it. Lately I've really been loving Asian food, especially Thai curry. We got some on Monday night to celebrate Cameron's graduation and that was some of the best food I've had in a long time. I also love pizza, but not just your run-of-the-mill pepperoni or sausage or whatever. My mom and I make this pesto/grape pizza that is to die for. I would literally have dreams about it when I was in college. Ethan and I also perfected the art of BBQ chicken pizza in Hawaii; every time we had someone over for dinner, it was bbq pizza or honey-lime enchiladas.

The list of foods I dislike is pretty short. I'm not a huge fan of mustard or dill pickles, I hate tofu and ever since BYU Hawaii's cafeteria I just cannot do jambalaya. I just can't. Other than that I will try pretty much anything you put in front of me, as long as it's not a bug. 

As far as I know, I don't have any food allergies. If I eat too much dairy or if I have eggs too early in the morning I'll get sick, but I'm not actually allergic to them. 

My mom is a fantastic cook, so it's hard to choose just two or three things out of the hundreds of yummy things we've made. We always try new recipes together; in fact, tomorrow we're trying a spicy honey chicken salad, hopefully it's as delicious as it sounds. The two things I can think off the top of my head that stand out are wontons and yummy potatoes. We don't make either of them more than once a year, but maybe that's what makes them so special. 

Dad doesn't cook as much as mom does, but there are two foods that always make me think of him: tuna casserole and waffles. Whenever mom is gone, Dad makes tuna casserole. Probably because it's easy and fast, and I'm not going to lie, sometimes I do really enjoy it. But when Sadie was little, it was her favorite food, and so she would beg Dad all the time to make it. I always thought that was pretty funny. Waffles remind me of Dad because that's his other go-to meal, but also because it's something that both of us really like that mom doesn't. I love when Dad makes waffles, but for some reason, Mom doesn't really care for them. Sometimes Dad makes them special with chocolate chips, and those are the best. I love chocolate chip waffles with just a little drizzle of maple syrup... mmm, I'm getting hungry just thinking about it. 

My Testimony

Was religion an important part of your family life? If so, what religion did your family practice, and what did it mean to you? Is it still an important part of your life today? 

This is a question I feel like I could probably talk about all day long. All my life, I have been a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. We are more commonly known as Mormons, probably because of the Book of Mormon. We believe that after all the original apostles Christ appointed were either killed or died, the fullness of the Gospel was lost from the earth. There were little truths here and there, but there were many parts of the truth that were lost. This was called the Apostasy. Because God loves his children and wants everyone to return to Him again, He restored the Gospel to a young man named Joseph Smith. Joseph saw God the Father and Jesus Christ, who spoke to him and restored many important truths to the earth. Joseph was also given a set of scriptures called the Book of Mormon. Just as God gave his word to people in ancient Israel, he also spoke to prophets in the ancient Americas. The Book of Mormon is the word of God to those prophets, and was translated by the power of God through Joseph Smith. 

I know that this church is the true church, and I know that God loves all of his children dearly and is reaching out to all of them, inviting everyone to return with Him again. I know that as I have lived the commandments and teachings of modern prophets, my life has been blessed and I have found happiness even in the worst of times. Without Christ's Atonement, I would have no hope; but through his atonement, I am filled with joy and peace. I am so grateful to have been born into a home where the gospel was taught every single day, both by word and actions. And if I accomplish nothing else in this life, I hope my children will always know that God loves them and that there is a way back to him again. 

Medical Stuffs

1. What medical issues have you had to deal with throughout your life?

I've been blessed my whole life to have an extremely healthy body. Of course there's always the random colds, the flu, strep throat a few times. Other than that, I went through most of my life pretty normal.

The one medical "issue", per say, that I can think of is that every spring/early summer, my skin likes to think it's allergic to the sun. Yes, you read that right. The grey of winter gives my skin sun amnesia, and it forgets how to handle direct sunlight for a while. I get a rash, I'm more hot than normal, I get a little itchy... it's no fun. But it's not something that really affects how I live or my quality of life. 

There was a time at the beginning of my senior year that I was stressed to the max- I was drum major in the marching band, taught I think 7 piano students, and Dad was in the hospital for a little over a week after anesthesia for a routine surgery shut down his digestive system. It was a rough month for all of us, and my body reacted by giving me sharp pains in my stomach and under my ribs sometimes when I would breathe. My doctor couldn't find a reason for it, so he sent me in for a CT scan, and they thought I might have pericardial effusion or ovarian cysts, but the ultrasounds came up negative. Eventually my doctor said it was probably just how my body reacts to extreme stress, which makes sense now. 

When I was pregnant with Jasmine, the first few months made me just really tired, and at my first doctors appointment around 10 weeks, I told the doctor very happily that I didn't have morning sickness, thank goodness. Well, I totally jinxed myself. The next month consisted of me puking literally everything I tried to eat or drink, even water. There was one night that I threw up so many times that my throat felt like it was on fire and I could even feel the burn in my nose. I rocked back and forth and cried to Ethan saying, "Why does it hurt so bad?" Luckily Ethan took incredible care of me, and even made me a little bed on the bathroom floor so I could sleep by the toilet if I didn't think I could handle being further away than a few feet. After way too many weeks of that, Ethan called my doctor and she prescribed an anti-nausea medication that made it so I could eat almost anything! Modern medicine is so amazing. 

A Very Hard Post

What were some of the challenges you have had to deal with?

Okay, so this is going to be hard to write, challenges aren't what I usually like to write about. Especially since I'm kind of in the middle of a really hard time right now, so I tend to try and think happythoughts to make it through my days. A few weeks ago I gave a talk about Obedience, and it felt to me like that's what I needed to share in this blog post. Here it is!

Good morning brothers and sisters. My name is Lindsey Mulberg. I used to be a Smith, if
you don’t already know me, and if you’re wondering why you’ve never seen me before it’s
because I’ve been serving in the Nursery for the last 4 months. I am also very nervous, so forgive
me if I say the same thing two or three times.
The topic I’ve been asked to speak on is Obedience - A Law of Heaven. Before starting, I
want to give a little disclaimer - I am in no way perfect at this. My goal is to give this talk and
come off encouraging, not preachy or condemning.
I want to begin by sharing a story given in a conference talk by Elder Von G. Keetch. He
tells of a time he visited Australia, and he notices some surfers on the beach. They seemed very
upset about something, and when he walked over to talk with them, they said all the big waves
they’d come to Australia to surf were beyond a net and buoy barrier a few hundred yards off
shore. The net made it impossible to surf the big waves, confining them to the smaller waves
closer to the shore. As Elder Keetch and the surfers were talking, an older Australian man
walked over and handed them a pair of binoculars. Through the binoculars, they saw something
they couldn’t see from the shore- sharks, feeding all among the reef, just outside the buoys. As
the man walked away he said, “Be grateful for the barrier- it’s the only thing protecting you from
being devoured.”
As I read this story, I realized something. I’m not perfect, but I’m usually pretty good
about being obedient, following the guidelines set by leaders and commandments from God. But
how often have I thought, “I really wish I didn’t have to use this money for tithing”, or “This
dress is so cute, sometimes I wish Church standards were different”, instead of being grateful.
Our church leaders are literally called to be “seers”- they have spiritual binoculars with which
they can see the sharks and set boundaries that keep us safe. In a talk by L. Tom Perry entitled,
“Obedience to Law Is Liberty”, he says, “The commandments... are loving counsel from a wise,
all-knowing Heavenly Father. His goal is our eternal happiness, and His commandments are the
road map He has given us to return to Him, which is the only way we will be eternally happy.”
How beautiful is that? Reading that was such a wonderful reminder that Heavenly Father’s main
goal is our happiness. If we keep that in mind while obeying even the hardest commandments, I
think it will open our mind to the big picture. It reminds me of Hymn #314. The first verse reads,
“How gentle God’s commands! How kind his precepts are. Come, cast your burden on the Lord
and trust his constant care”. I know when I trust in God, and trust that the reasons He asks of me
what he does because He loves me and wants me to be happy, it makes it so much easier to want
to follow Him.
As I was preparing, I also read a little from Joseph Smith about obedience. The quote I liked
most was when he said, “To get salvation we must not only do some things, but everything
which God has commanded.” I don’t remember quite where, I think maybe at a youth conference
or EFY, the speaker was talking about setting goals and daily improving yourself. Someone
asked him how to know what we should be working on, and he said, “Choose your favorite sin
and that’s what you should work on”. When he said that, I realized that I’m really good at being
obedient to the laws that are easy for me - don’t drink, don’t smoke, don’t commit murder, etc…
But I started wondering if I was letting myself be content with that and ignoring the things I’m
not as good at, like keeping my choice of music or movies clean, keeping the Sabbath day holy,
or the commandment I always forget about - “thou shalt not covet”.
The last thing I want to share, and the one that I’ve felt is most important for me to share
has to do with the story of Lehi and his family. Being at the beginning of the Book of Mormon,
I’m sure most of us have read about Lehi plenty of times, but you get to hear about him again.
Lehi was a very righteous man, called to preach repentance in Jerusalem. I’m sure he wasn’t
thrilled to go tell people they were wicked and needed to repent, but Lehi followed the Lord.
What happened to him? He was met with threats, and would have been killed had the Lord not
warned him to leave Jerusalem. And so, as it says in 1st Nephi 2:3-4, “he was obedient unto the
word of the Lord, wherefore he did as the Lord commanded him. And it came to pass that he
departed into the wilderness. And he left his house, and the land of his inheritance, and his gold,
and his silver, and his precious things, and took nothing with him save it were his family, and
provisions, and tents, and departed into the wilderness”. Once they were in the wilderness, I’m
sure Lehi and his family were exhausted and probably a little lost, having left everything they
had to follow the Lord, but it didn’t stop there. Next Lehi was commanded to send his sons back
to Jerusalem to get the plates, and then again to get wives. They travel longer in the wilderness,
without homes and at times without food. Finally Nephi is commanded to build a ship, and after
a long and treacherous journey, Lehi and his family finally arrive in the promised land, the land
Lehi was told had been saved for his family and posterity to inherit and prosper on. And then,
about 2 years after they arrive in the Promised Land, and between 12-30 years of leaving
Jerusalem, Lehi dies.
The reason I wanted to talk about Lehi is this - so often we hear people say, “If you are obedient,
you’ll be blessed!” And we read the scripture in D&C 130:20, “There is a law, irrevocably
decreed in heaven before the foundations of this world, upon which all blessings are predicated –
and when we obtain any blessing from God, it is by obedience to that law upon which it is
predicated”. And we think, okay I’m paying my tithing and going to church and fulfilling my
calling and reading my scriptures, etc. etc.., life is going to be good! Everything is going to be
nice and just work out! Maybe it’s just me who thinks that way, but hopefully I’m not alone. But
sometimes, actually a lot of times, we are obedient to everything we know, and we do everything
we know how to do, and life is still hard. Sometimes, we are like Lehi – we’ve done everything
the Lord commanded us to do, and we’re wandering around the wilderness, living in a tent with
kids who fight all the time and not knowing what or when you’re going to eat again. I don’t
know if it’s just me that needs to hear this or if there is someone else out there, but the if you are
stuck in a wilderness and feel like you are wandering, God has not forsaken you. He sees your
obedience and your faith and He loves you more than you can comprehend. Your obedience,
now more than ever, is proving to Him and to yourself that you are meant for bigger and better
things if you just keep going. God has promised blessings we can’t even imagine if we hold on
and endure with faith.
My favorite conference talk of all time comes from Jeffrey R. Holland in the April 1999
conference. There’s a really great Mormon Message made from it that if you haven’t seen, you
need to go look it up after church today. I watch it probably 4 or 5 times a year. He tells a story
of when he and his young family were driving across the United States to go to graduate school,
and their car broke down not once, but twice in the same spot for reasons they couldn’t figure
out. What a beginning to a long, long journey. Years later, he drove by the same spot with his
wife, and thought of the troubles of that day. He says, “In my mind’s eye, for just an instant, I
thought perhaps I saw on that side road an old car with a devoted young wife and two little
children making the best of a bad situation there. Just ahead of them I imagined that I saw a
young fellow walking toward Kanarraville, with plenty of distance still ahead of him. His
shoulders seemed to be slumping a little, the weight of a young father’s fear evident in his pace.
In the scriptural phrase his hands did seem to “hang down.” In that imaginary instant, I couldn’t
help calling out to him: “Don’t give up, boy. Don’t you quit. You keep walking. You keep
trying. There is help and happiness ahead—a lot of it—30 years of it now, and still counting.
You keep your chin up. It will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to
I know that our Heavenly Father loves all of us more than we could ever imagine. I know
our prophets today give us counsel and guidelines that maybe don’t make sense right now, but I
know that they see what we don’t and that there are blessings beyond measure in store for us. In
the same talk from Elder Holland he says, “Some blessings come soon, some come late, and
some don’t come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they
come.” I am so grateful for this gospel that gives us direction and hope in a world without either.
I bear my testimony that if we are obedient and trust in God, we will be happy and will return to
live with Him again. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Strong Lindsey

What do you see as your strengths?

This is a very difficult question, one that I'm not sure I can answer right off the bat. It would be much easier to talk about my weaknesses, I think. I will do my best though. 

One think I see as a strength is that I am kind to everyone, at least I try to be. Although sometimes it's bad when it turns into not saying things I should say because it could make someone feel bad, I try to be sensitive to other people's feelings and needs.

Something I also just thought of is gift giving. I feel like I'm good at thinking of gifts that are really cool for whoever I'm giving them to. I put a lot of time into thinking about what to get people for their birthdays and Christmas, and I probably get way more excited preparing gifts than they ever do receiving them, but it's so much fun for me. Sometimes I'll have a gift idea come to me like six months in advance and I just have to stew over what I'm getting that person for so long. I had Mom's Mother's Day gift in my closet for about 3 1/2 months this year, and one of Ethan's Christmas presents for 5 months in 2014.

I can be very flexible with planning things; that doesn't make sense as one sentence, so I'll explain. If someone springs plans on me an hour or two, or like today 2 seconds before they happen, I'm usually really good at going with the flow. Most days I wake up and decide what I'm doing that day while I feed Jasmine breakfast. Sometimes I wish I was more of a planner, but sometimes it's nice to be able to just get up and go.

College Life Baby!

1. If you went on to get a college or vocational education, what school did you go to? What did you study? What memories do you have of those years?

After High School I went to Brigham Young University Hawaii!!! I was one of the lucky ones who got to go to school a half mile from the beach :) 
When I was looking for schools to apply to, I felt like I was between a rock and a hard place. I knew I didn't want to go to BYU Provo - it was too big and I didn't want to feel lost in the crowd. Plus it is an extremely competitive school and I am the opposite of that. I also knew, though, that I didn't want to go to BYU Idaho, their track system was terrible and I wouldn't be guaranteed the Fall track. I decided I was going to go to U of I or Eastern Washington. Looking back now, neither of those would have been good schools for me, but I was determined not to go to Provo or Idaho. 
Then, out of the blue, Mom asked me one day if I would be interested in going to Hawaii. Instantly I knew that was right; maybe not consciously, but I knew the idea felt good and that I would pursue it seriously. Mom called the percussion professor since that's what I wanted to study, and he said if I sent in a DVD of myself playing and he liked what he saw, he could flag admissions and get me admitted as soon as they saw my application. That's what we did! When I saw that I was accepted to BYU Hawaii I jumped up and down and freaked out and was so so so excited!!!! No one was home but me, and when I tried to call mom six or seven times she didn't answer. Finally she got home and we hugged and celebrated together. She told me she knew I was going to get in from the day she called Dr. Duerden, and she showed me the housing and campus and pictures of the beautiful school I was going to be attending in the fall. I couldn't believe how beautiful all the pictures were and how close the school was to the ocean. I told mom I was going to do all my homework on the beach.
The week before the semester started, Mom and Dad took me out to Oahu to explore the island together before I was on my own. We went to Pearl Harbor, Sharks Cove snorkeling, walked around all the beaches in Laie, and most importantly got everything I needed for my dorm room. Since all the stores were 1 1/2 hours away in Honolulu, we got it all in one go- bed risers, storage bins, pillows, towels, hangers, shoe rack, shampoo, etc... One of the things I remember really well is when we went to Target, my parents asked if they had any mini fridge's left. I wasn't planning on getting one, but Dad disappeared for a few minutes and then when he found us, he was carrying the last mini fridge left in the store. I felt so loved knowing he got that fridge just for me. When we left the store, I'm pretty sure I rode back to Laie with a few shopping bags in my lap.  
My dorm looked okay online, I didn't pay too much attention. But when I walked in, I definitely was rethinking my decision for a minute. Being the oldest dorm on campus and set for demolition the next semester, Hale 3 was small and filled with metal furniture. Not what I expected, but I would learn to get used to it. The one cool thing I liked were the drawers in the side of the bed. Those were so handy. Mom and Dad set up a bunch of stuff while I went to the Freshman orientation. I had set up before to meet with another freshman percussion major that was starting at the same time as me, Cecilyn Crosby. Little did I know that I would come to share a lot of things and spend a lot of time with Cecilyn- she was a really honest person and so kind to everyone. She was a great friend. 
The last day my parents were in Hawaii was the best day we had. I don't remember what we did in the morning, but after lunch we went and explored Haleiwa, a tourist-y town 30 minutes out from Laie. After looking (unsuccessfully) for a place that had good pina coladas, we went to a grill that ended up having pina coladas anyways! Dad and I got fish meals and mom got a salad. It was an awesome dinner. Afterwards we went to Sunset Beach to watch the sun go down. It was such a beautiful night, surfers on the waves, breeze blowing, sun still warm but not hot... I remember just being so happy that night with my parents and thinking that I didn't want the night to end. 
I was going to sleep that night in the hale, but my roommate wasn't going to be there and I didn't want to be alone quite yet. I slept the night with my parents but then went to my student ward the next morning. 
The night my parents left was so emotional. It was so exciting to be on a new adventure and start a new part of my life, but letting my parents leave was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I didn't realize how much I love and need them until I had to let them walk away and know I wouldn't see them again for a few more months. 

The next few weeks were filled with so many different emotions - fear, excitement, joy, sadness.... I majored in music, and I took a bunch of awesome music classes my first semester. Music Theory 1, Ear Training, private marimba lessons, Book of Mormon 1, Steel Drum band, English 201 and Swimming. I loved all my classes and the new environment I was in! Hawaii is legally part of the United States, but it felt like a completely different world! Everyone was so relaxed, always so kind to each other, treated strangers like family... Writing about it now is making me really miss the love of Hawaii.

There is so, so much I could write about, but if I write everything I will never stop writing. I'll write about my favorite classes for now, and I may come back and add stuff later if I feel like it. My favorite class first semester was Steel Drum. I got really frustrated the first few weeks because I couldn't figure out where the darn notes were - they're not in order like other percussion instruments, they're in the circle of fifths scattered around the drum. My first two classes I wanted to just give up. Then, something magical happened, and I started getting good - really good. By the end of the 6 semesters I spent at BYUH, I was almost better at steel drum than I was marimba. I miss it like crazy, and I've even started considering, if I wanted to and could convince a school to let me, I would absolutely LOVE running my own steel drum band. 
Another class I fell in love with was Orchestration. I took this one kind of on blind faith because my theory teacher at the time, Dr. Bradshaw, said he recommended every music major to take it. At first it was so hard. We had to learn about all the instruments in the winds, strings, percussion, and other random families. Being a percussionist and a violinist, winds and brass were really challenging, especially the transposing part. I was probably the most frustrated I've ever been doing the homework for that class, which was usually taking a two line piece and orchestrating it for a small ensemble. But then, once I started really getting it, it was my favorite class! The midterm was orchestrating a beautiful piano piece for a symphony orchestra, and I was really proud of how mine sounded. And I loved the final, which was orchestrating the same piece 3 different ways. Sometimes I still go back and have the computer play back to me what I wrote. I often wish I still had something requiring me to do that again because it's hard to fit it in when it's just for fun. 
The last class I think I have time to write about is Percussion Methods. Going into this class I though I knew quite a bit, at least a little more than the non-percussionists in the class... I was wrong. Dr. Duerden opened my eyes to just how much I had left to learn about the instruments I was majoring in. From snare drum to cuica to triangle to tambourine, I learned so much in just one semester. My favorite part of that class was when we had to teach the class an arrangement for a keyboard ensemble for 10 minutes. I remembered playing Fields of Gold by Sting in the Rugare Marimba Ensemble, so I just taught that one and it sounded sweet! Dr. D was also really impressed, which made it even more fun. 

I really miss the college life, the people I met, learning from such incredible professors... Like I said I could write about BYUH all day long, but let's leave it at this: I loved college!