So I know I haven't completed my big post about all this fun stuff yet, but I'm so overwhelmed tonight that I just need to record it all. After successfully getting a restraining order against Ethan, he was granted supervised visits at least 3 times between now and November 15th. I wasn't expecting visits to be granted so soon and I'm a little taken aback by how much it's affecting me mentally and emotionally. All week I've been fighting to live my normal life that I've been working so hard to find, but every single day was a battle. Even today, the day I've felt most myself, I've been mentally exhausted, no appetite, and just distracted.
I'm so afraid of what this all could mean for Jasmine. I don't want her to go somewhere I know she'll be afraid. She doesn't understand what's going on, she doesn't understand when or why I have to leave her, or if I'll be back. The last time Ethan was around her, she cried every time he touched her and would run away, and if he touched me at all she would try to tell him No! This was 3 months ago, so I have no idea what will happen now. I haven't been using a binky for her at all, and I'm tempted not to send one with her tomorrow, but on the other hand I don't want her to be completely without any comfort at all. I don't want her to be hurt in any way.
On the other hand, I'm really nervous that Ethan will act completely perfect and dandy, make it look like he's the perfect dad, and that from there they'll grant him more visitstion, and not supervised. I have no doubt that Ethan has not fully come to terms with the terrible things he's done, that he minimizes and justifies any abuse he will admit to, and that he will slip back into the same ugly pattern once he's not being watched. I know I need to trust that the supervisors know what they're looking for, but I don't trust that Ethan will let them see that.
I honestly feel like this has been the worst week of my life. I'm fully coming to see just how shattered my life is, how different everything is from the life I had imagined for myself and for Jasmine, and I hate it. I'm going to counseling to try and find a better perspective and guidance. I'm praying as much as I can force myself to pray. I'm paying my tithing, I'm magnifying my calling, I'm trying to serve my friends. I know there is a good future, but sometimes I feel like I won't get to see that future until the Second Coming. If men are that they might have joy, where is my joy?
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