I know I'm already behind on the questions for the year, but I wanted to record some things before I forgot them.
I've been living a really stressful life for about the past year and a half, one with a lot of personal and family trials. There have been countless times that I've wanted to just fall down and give up, but somehow, miraculously, I'm still alive. I'm growing now and my mind is in a much healthier place, but the situation I'm in hasn't changed much and it's wearing me down. I know with all of my heart that the church is true, but sometimes it's really hard to see how Heavenly Father is ever going to fix what's so broken. I've been struggling with questions that don't really have answers, and about two weeks ago my spiritual level took a big dip.
Then, on Monday, Maddy Cicotte asked if I would go to the temple with her. I hadn't been in a really long time, and when I had my interview with Dad/Bishop, one of the things that stuck with me is when he said the goal with temple attendance is to just keep improving. If I'm trying and going as often as is possible for me, that's the goal. So I told Maddy I would love to go with her, and I prayed in my heart all week that I would find an answer in the temple.
I felt a little bad during the session; most of the time I'm really good at paying attention to the words and promises that are so important, but this time I was just distracted. I pondered on and on about my life, my questions, the trials that seem so endless... a conference talk came to my head, and I don't remember the exact quote, but it's along the lines of: "Every injustice we face here on this earth with be righted in Heaven". A part of me got a little mad and said, "I don't want it righted in Heaven, I want it righted now!" That's when I felt an impression, a thought in my head that I know wasn't just my own: "Heavenly Father is working right now, righting the wrongs that you are facing. You can't see it, and you have to be patient, but there are things in store for you bigger than you know that He is so excited to give you. The things that are happening now aren't pleasant, but He is leading you to a better tomorrow." I didn't realize right when I had that impression that I'd just receive revelation, but later in the Celestial room as I pondered more on it and read my patriarchal blessing, I was overcome with a sense of such great warmth and peace.
I may not have received any answers to my questions, and I know I still have a lot of days and weeks and months of hard times ahead before life gets any easier, but I came home feeling buoyed up in the Spirit and strengthened more than I ever have been before! I know God loves me personally!
The second experience I wanted to record happened this morning. I woke up completely exhausted, having had Jasmine in my bed for most of the night. The first thought of my morning was, "I kind of don't want to be a mom today." But since I'm a mom whether or not I feel like it right at that moment, I got out of bed and started making breakfast for Jasmine. Partway through breakfast I remembered that I was supposed to go Visiting Teaching at noon, so I quickly read over the message and tried to think about what to share. My thoughts were scattered though, and so I just said a prayer quickly before I left that I could think of something to say that would be meaningful.
When it came time to give the lesson, I still couldn't think of anything specifically, so I just opened the Ensign and started reading the first quote, which says this:
“In light of the ultimate purpose of the great plan of happiness, I believe that the ultimate treasures on earth and in heaven are our children and our posterity.”
As soon as I read those words, I was overwhelmed with the Spirit and love for Jasmine. Words started coming out of my mouth that I weren't all mine, and I was amazed at the message I was able to share. Something I remember saying but that I know was a message for me from Heavenly Father was, "If our children are our ultimate treasure and happiness, they are worth every single sacrifice and struggle." I know without a doubt that Jasmine is the greatest blessing I've ever been given, and I love her to pieces! I'm so grateful for personal revelation that is strengthening me so much this week and giving me courage to push forward.
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