As is probably obvious if you know me well, I am not really a patient person by nature. If I try really, really hard and focus solely on being patient, I can do it. But it takes so much mental effort. I was thinking the other day about the question: "If I could wake up with one new ability or quality, what would it be?"
It was really hard to narrow all of the things I lack down to just one thing, but when patience came to mind I knew that's what it would be. There have been so many times in my life I either lashed out at people or gave up on something, sometimes myself, because I didn't posses the patience to see it through.
So of course I prayed the next day that I will be able to develop more patience, especially before our kids actually get here. I don't want to be a mom who gets mad fast, and from my history I can tell you that's the direction I can see myself going in, as much as I dread it.
Jump forward approximately 5 days: test number one has come, because that's how a lot of my prayers are answered. Tests. Experiences. Yikes.
I won't go into specifics, but someone said something to me that really made me upset. Maybe it's pregnancy hormones (wouldn't surprise me), but I couldn't stop thinking about it. I kept going over in my head why in the world anyone would say that, it felt completely unnecessary to me. Then, right after the though went through my head: "I can't stand this person! I've tried and I just can't!", my mind immediately went back to being Relief Society president a few years ago.
Another thing you know if you've known me for a while is that I don't have a lot of girl friends. I don't hang out in groups of girls and go shopping or pain my nails or do each others hair or whatever. In fact, sometimes girls drive me crazy. It's not that they're bad people, it's just my personality. I get along a lot better with guys. And so to be called to be the president of a group of forty-something 18 and up girls was a huge challenge. And not only did I need to organize meetings and activities and visiting teaching and whatnot, but I was expected to love each and every one of them, to try and be their friend. I honestly had no idea how in the world I was going to pull that off without looking like I was faking it.
With all of this in my heart and on my mind, I went in to the bishop's office to be set apart, something I honestly just viewed as routine. He said the normal things, that I would be blessed with the knowledge of how to run things and whatnot. And then he said something that completely changed my whole perspective: "I bless you with the knowledge that the Savior loves these girls and with the ability to love them as He does." Holy. Cow. As soon as those words were said, a whole new part of my heart was opened and I felt this wave of overwhelming love for every girl in my Relief Society, even though I didn't even know them yet. I felt the desire the Savior had for me to share that love, to show these girls that they meant something, that they were so, so precious. I started crying, and the only words I can think of to describe it was tears of love. Even though I didn't know these girls, and probably wouldn't get along with some of them at any other time or situation in my life, the Savior's Atonement was able to erase any negativity I had (at that time) towards them and instead filled my heart with compassion and love.
As I remembered this tonight, I realized that it's okay that I feel like I can't stand this person. It's okay not to love every single person on the planet and be their absolute best friend. But when it comes down to it, Heavenly Father wants us to grab hold of the Atonement and let it fill what we can't do. It's not just for erasing our sins- it's to strengthen us and lift us to places we could otherwise never reach. It took me a long time to understand that concept, but I am so grateful for it now! And while praying for patience is never the easy route, I'm so glad I've been able to have my eyes opened to the Savior's point of view yet again.
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